A Recorded Story
by MotherOfMerlinsUnderwear
Summary: Bertrude Alexander Juliet Christine Botts is the name! Oh and that's Albus Severus Potter, my brother from another mother and that's Louis William Weasley, my boyfriend. This is our story through a tape recorder and let's hope I don't break it...I've already broken 15 glasses of Albus's...EARLIER NAMED 100 YEARS LATER!
1. Chapter 1

**Bertie: Bold**

_Albus: Italic_

**_Additional Human Being: Bold Italic_**

* * *

Day 1

[**Yes, Day 1! So I and Albus have decided to make a time capsule**]

[_You mean YOU have decided to make a time capsule. I never wanted to do this. What if a muggle finds this?_]

[**What if magic gets lost and muggle finds this, then tries to discover magic?**]

[_That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard..._]

[**Your face is ridiculous**]

[_Your mom is ridiculous_]

[**Shut up, Potter**]

[_I don't have time for this tom foolery_]

[**You mean, you give up?**]

[_Anyway! We're making this recording so someone can find this in 100 years_]

[**What if you move from this mansion in a year and someone else moves in and finds it? What if that person is a muggle?**_]_

[**_What are you doing?_**]

[_Lucy! I thought you were studying for NEWTS?_]

[**Pssht! Lucy is a rebel**]

[**_Sure and Voldemort's my grandfather_**]

[**Is he?**]

[_Oh my god, Bertie! How did you not know this? I mean, you can totally see that they look alike_]

[**_Shut up, Potter_**_]_

[**Oh well, she's gone**]

[_She does seem really grumpy today_]

[**When is she not? After all, NEWTS are near. So, every muggle out there, MAGIC IS REAL!**]

[_I'll see you in Askaban, Bertie_]

[**I hate you**]

[_I'm lovable_]

[**So, this recording is about me and Albus. How we became friends. The adventures we face! How we found love. Not with each other. Well, I found love. Albus is alone. He's going to become a player**]

[_In your dreams. Wait, no. You don't dream about me, right?_]

[**Of course, I do Albus! Your dreamy emerald eyes, your muscular arms, your soft lips. How I dream of them to touch mine...**]

[_STOP, STOP! It's just...so weird. You're like my sister_]

[**Hey, I just thought of something**]

[_You did?_]

[**Oh hush! To start the story, who's going first?**]

[_Well, me. I am great at telling stories_]

[**Uh, no...I can change the stories a bit and make it much better**]

[_I'm going first!]_

[**No, I am!**]

[_Wait, we have to call this chapter something_]

[**How about...Prologue?**]

[_I'm fine with that_]

[**Well, anyway...I'M GOING FIRST!**]

[_No fair! I am!]_

**AN: Well, that was the start. The next one is minutes away! I guess...**


	2. Albus: Meeting Bertrude

And we're back!

* * *

Bertie: **Bold**

Albus: _Italic_

Additional Person: **_Bold Italic_**

* * *

**Day 1 (Continued)**

_[Ha! I get to go first! I told Bertie that Mum is making bacon. She immediately ran down and I took the tape recorder! MUAHAHAHA!]_

**[Whatever, I got bacon. Start the story!]**

_[Ok, fine!]_

It was third year. Louis was being a pain my arse.

**[As beautiful Louis is, he truly can be a pain in your arse...]**

_[Brilliant, now you're in Louis-Is-Beautiful Land]_

**[Hush, the Oompa-Loompas have served me and Louis heart shaped chocolate]**

_[Where was I? Oh yes...]_

"So, I told Professor Flitwick that Colouring Charms can turn a human into a multicoloured human! I mean can you believe he said 'no'? God, he's becoming old," Louis said.

"Great job, Louis! I bet your name will be on a Chocolate Frog card now: Louis William Weasley, the man who discovered that Colouring Charms can change the colours of stuff to multicoloured!" I said in a sarcastic tone.

Louis straightened up and had a pompous look on his face. He pushed out his chest and smirked. "Yes, that could happen, but I wouldn't say 'stuff' I'd say, 'objects of the present',"

Where was Lucy when you needed her?

**[I like Lucy a lot. Always slaps off that look on Louis. Literally!]**

_[Yes, when she's not busy, we don't need her help. When she's busy, BAM! She's the most popular person in Hogwarts]_

**[No, it's still that stupid bint Lumina]**

_[I thought you got over that I-live-for-James-only phase!]_

**[Hey, a girl's first crush will never be forgotten!]**

_[Crush? I'd say obsession...]_

-Tape recorder falls down with a loud THUMP as Albus is getting strangled from Bertie-

-And we're back!-

_[You broke my glasses!]_

**[I've broke 15 glasses of yours and you still complain. Now shut up and continue!]**

Louis and I got up for our next lesson which was History of Magic with Slytherins. Louis opens the door and enters. Professor Binns was roaming the classroom and muttering of the Goblin Strike of 1867.

Odd man.

**[You mean ghost]**

I look around and scan the classroom. There was that irritating girl called Aria Birkie, the nose picker called Martin Beez, the laziest person I've ever met called Joseph Hart, five girls(Tara, Millie, Gigi, Katarina and Piper) who had gone through puberty and looked dashing...

**[Men...]**

There were two boys who are in the Chocolate Frog Cards Exchange Group (C.F.C.E.G) called Arnold and Peter and then there was that abnormal girl who never really looked like a Slytherin. I don't know her name though. So it was me, Louis, Lucy and the other eleven people.

"And so the Goblin Strike...blah blah blah blah blah by the way you have a test tomorrow blah blah blah blah..." Professor Binns said.

It was a good thing I listened to the first sentence. So...

WE HAVE A FREAKING TEST? WHO DOES THIS GHOST THINK HE IS? KING OF THE WORLD? GIVING TEST TO POOR UNFORTUNATE SOULS WHO HAVE STACKS OF HOMEWORK TO COMPLETE! BLASPHEMY, I SAY!

But, I kept that all in because I'm a nice person and the fact that I will receive a one hour lecture from Louis.

Obviously that abnormal girl couldn't keep it in. "A TEST? WHY DO WE HAVE A TEST? THIS IS ATROCIOUS! VILE, I SAY! WE ALREADY HAVE A LOT OF HOMEWORK AND YOU'RE GIVING US A TEST?"

Well...that was awfully rude of her. I glanced sideways and noticed Lucy busy ignoring everything and doodling on a piece of paper. Louis though he was looking at that girl with a look of deep disgust.

"Excuse me, but some of us are trying to study here!" Louis interrupted her rant. Abnormal Girl whipped her head towards him that I was afraid that her head will fall off.

"And some of us are trying to rant here! It's really rude to interrupt when somebody is yelling!" she retorts.

Ok, this is the best History of Magic class.

**[I have got to agree with you there. I think the Abnormal Girl is awesome]**

_[I'm not going to say anything over there or it will ruin the story]_

**[You just ruined it]**

_[Whatever. Go fetch some bacon]_

**[Good idea!]**

Professor Binns was very white by now. Obviously, he can't be red with rage because well...he's a ghost.

"QUIET, BOTH OF YOU! DETENTION MS. BOOTLES AND MR. WEASEL AT MY DEN AT 4 O' CLOCK SHARP!" Professor Binns yelled.

"DETENTION? ME? BUT SIR, I'M YOUR FAVOURITE STUDENT!" Louis yelled.

"I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME! NOW TURN TO PAGE 598 AND START READING ABOUT THE GOBLIN STRIKE!"

Louis sulked and glared at the girl who was just laughing. She pulled out the book and laid it in front of her. Then she took out a pillow and a blanket and slept peacefully.

At least fifteen minutes later, the bell rang. Louis took his books and marched out of the classroom. The girl was right behind him and grinning like maniac.

**[Truly love this girl]**

Her blanket was tossed on her shoulder and she held her pillow in her other hand. The irritating girl called Aria walked up to her and started chatting.

I poked Lucy and she looks up.

"Class is over, let's go!" I said. Lucy yawned and put her books back in her bag.

"So, what did I miss besides the lecture on the Goblin Strike?" Lucy asked.

"Please don't say that word," I said.

"You mean 'Goblin Strike'?" Lucy tilted her head a little and put on an innocent look.

"I hate you, Weasley," I said. Lucy chuckled and skipped away.

_[The Gryffindor Common Room]_

**[Stop being so dramatic, Albus]**

_[You ruined the effect, woman!]_

"Now, I have to go to detention, for god's sake! DETENTION! It sounds so foreign when I say it..." Louis grumbled and sat on the couch. I took a seat on my favourite armchair. It took me a lot of time to choose The Armchair. I remember when I was a first year and I chose a tattered and old armchair. It was terrible and kept in a dark corner. Do you know what I did to it? I got it out of the corner, placed it in the middle of the room (The sunlight can come on my armchair and a cool breeze too), did a simple Mending charm and voila! World's best armchair.

**[I cannot believe you're telling them about HOW YOU FIXED A FREAKING ARMCHAIR!]**

_[You're one to talk about weirdness]_

"Well, I should go for detention. This could be the worst moment in my life. _Maman_ will be so disappointed!"

"Oh hold on! I think I left my book at the Transfiguration classroom," I said. Louis muttered something about 'unorganised' and 'irresponsible'. Both of us walk out of the Gryffindor common room, across the second floor corridor and reach the Transfiguration Courtyard. It was still bright. Louis and I depart ways.

Finally, I was getting sick of that silence and sulkiness from Louis. The boy is bloody stubborn. I was busy checking out Piper McLean, when I banged into somebody.

**[Piper McLean is a slut]**

_[Josh Cooper is a man whore]_

**[He's hot...]**

_[So is Piper]_

**[You just like her because she has big bosoms...]**

_[You just like him because he has abs]_

**[AND HE LOOKS GOOD IN TIGHTS! LET'S NOT FORGET THAT!]**

I hear ranting and look up. I notice a fat-

**[HEY, I'M NOT FAT! I'M...PLUMP!]**

_[Sure...]_

-short, red haired girl helping me pick up my books which had fallen out of my bag. She seemed kind of familiar.

"-God, I am so sorry. I was busy checking out this guy because well, he was hot and not mention that sexy flick- Right sorry, I forgot I'm talking to a boy," she babbled. "Unless you're gay...?"

"Uh, no..." I reply. That's when I realised who it was.

Abnormal Girl.

"Aww! That's a pity. I really need a gay best friend," she shook her head then grinned.

"I'm Bertrude Alexander Juliet Christine Botts, but people call me Bertie," she extended her hand.

My brain was sort of off for some time.

**[It's always off]**

So the only smart thing I could come up with was: "What?"

"Everybody reacts like that! I mean Dumbledore had a weirder name then me!" She checked her watch and her eyes widened with horror. "Well, I better go! Nice meeting you, Albus!"

SHE KNOWS MY NAME? I HAVE STALKERS? I HAVE ADMIRERS?

Yes!

**[That's nothing to be proud about. They could steal your underwear]**

_[Do you mean that time-]_

**[Don't tell them and give me the recorder!]**

_[Ugh, fine!]_


	3. Bertie: Mission Irritate Louis Weasley

**Bertie: Bold**

_Albus: Italic_

_**Additional person: Bold**_ _**Italic**_

* * *

Bertie: Getting to know how boring Albus is

Day 2

**[Yes! Finally, I get to tell the story]**

_[Ladies and Gentlemen, be prepared for the most boring time of your life]_

**[Sometimes, I look at you and I know I have created a monster]**

_[Darling, you didn't create me. Do you need the talk? Well you see when a mummy and daddy fall in love-]_

**[Please. I don't want to know your parents' sex life]**

_**[What are you talking**** about?]**_

**[J-J-James! What are you doing here?]**

_[She's twirling her hair!]_

_**[Uh...I live here?]**_

**[O-of course, you do! Oh dear, I. uh...need to pee! Yes, I need to pee!]**

_**[Ok...?]**_

_[OH LORD! AHAHAHAHAHA! NEVER FAILS TO AMUSE ME! HAHAHAHA!] _

_**[I regret coming in here]**_

-Five minutes later-

**[Has he gone?] **

_[Yes...I already explained your infatuation of James]_

**[YOU DID WHAT?] **

_[Why don't you start the story?]_

I was sitting in the Slytherin common room. Unfortunately, I was beside that daft thing you call a human being, Maria Goyle. Our meeting wasn't exactly what I'll call...friendly.

**[Flashback]**

I was walking around school and busy reading this book. Deciding to see where I was going, I looked up and saw a hideous creature. It had sickly black hair that stuck to it's face. A thin face that showed it's cheekbones too clearly and nose which was like Voldemort's: Slits. I hid behind a tree and took out my wand. I noticed that it wore a Slytherin uniform! So because I was an innocent first year-

_[HA, INNOCENT! If I heard correctly, you put a stink bomb in Arnold's (From Chocolate Frog Cards Exchange Group) pants!] _

**[He was being mean!] **

_[Sure, sure...] _

-I didn't know many spells. So what did I do? I stepped forward and poked it hard in the back. The creature jumped and turned around. It snarled at me. I KNOW, I WAS SO TERRIFIED! I whimpered and ran away to find a Professor.

"Professor Flitwick! Professor!" I tripped on my big robes. It's not my fault...they didn't have a size for me.

FINE, I ADMIT IT! I WAS TOO TINY!

"Ah yes, Ms. Botts?" The tiny yet adorable dwarf looked up at me.

"A-a creature. Near the lake...Scary..." I started doing some wild hand gestures. Professor Flitwick nodded and followed me. The creature was looking around when it spotted me. "YOU!" it yelled. I screamed and ran behind Professor Flitwick.

"It talks!" I said. Professor Flitwick frowned then looked at me.

"Is this some sort of joke, Ms. Bertrude Botts?" Oh, he did not just say my full name.

"No, Professor! I'm not lying. Look at it! And by the way, it's Bertie. Not Bertrude. You're lucky you're a Professor," I said.

So, not only did I get a detention, I also got hexed a week by Maria Goyle.

Can't win them all.

**[End of flashback]**

_[I would say something about that, but then you'll probably break another pair of glasses] _

Maria would turn around and sneer at me all the time. She still thinks she won that battle in my first year, but how wrong she is. You battle a Slytherin, you get a taste of Slytherin...

_[That sounds wrong...] _

**[Albus...just...no. Why must you have a dirty mind?] **

_[I don't have a dirty mind! I have a sexy imagination!] _

**[Whatever you say, Albus...Whatever you say] **

I looked inside the Slytherin couch and tried finding anything worth revenge.

1. Used cigarettes - Earth to Slytherins, I hope you know this causes lung cancer unless you're committing suicide in a slow, painful way then cool, keep it going.

2. Rolled up wads of paper - I saw an 'I LOVE JP' and something like 'GO SUCK A DUCK, ROSE W!' also that rare one 'BERTIE IS A SEXY BEAST. HISSS!' I think I wrote the last one...

3. Slytherin tie - Uh, hello? House pride!

4. Dead lizard - I saw it and I loved it. That goes down the shirt of Maria Goyle.

5. A strange muggle thingy - It has a switch...Aria told me about that. I think I'll switch it on. OH GOD, LIGHT! THIS IS SO COOL! I'm keeping it.

6. Magical chewing gum - Growing mold...

7. Whoopee cushion - Good thing I heard some muggleborns talking about this! It's so cool! Perfect, I'll use it on her too.

I jump up and down and stuff the objects (Including the paper that said 'BERTIE IS A SEXY BEAST. HISSS!') in the front pocket of my bag.

"Bertie, Bertie!" I heard an annoyingly squeaky voice. I turned around and saw Aria running towards me. She's an alright kid I guess. She was thin and gangly, way taller than me, black hair that is always tied in a ponytail, abnormally large nose, mole near her lip and a thin face.

On the bright side, I looked better than her.

_[I can't believe I'm saying this. But yes...You do look better] _

**[Oh Albus, you make me blush!] **

_[What can I say? I have my way with fat ladies] _

**[Plump ladies. Not fat. Plump] **

_[Whatever you say, Bertie. Whatever you say] _

I grin and wave at her. She smiles at a passing boy who shudders probably over fear of that mole.

I'm telling you. Whoever said that moles are beauty spots, that's just an excuse for having a large black spot on your face.

"Did you see that guy shudder? I'm totally a guy magnet!" Aria grins and flips her hair over her shoulder, hitting a poor first year in the face. It looks sickened and runs away from her. Sure she's a magnet, but when a magnet meets the same side, it does not attract.

"Darling, let's go before you 'flatter' some more boys," I put some air quotations when I said the word flatter. Aria frowned. Secretly inside, she knows she's hideous. I walk towards the Slytherin table but then I feel as if somebody is looking at me. I turn around and who do I see glaring at me? None other than, the one and only, Louis Weasley.

"Hmm...Aria?" I turn around only to see the revolting sight of Aria Birkie making love eyes at James Potter. I tug her shirt and she turns towards.

"What?" she snaps. Whoops. Note to self: Never interrupt Aria when she's ogling James Potter.

"I have a gut feeling that we should sit at the Gryffindor table," I smirk. That sexy Slytherin smirk of mine.

_[You mean that smirk where you twitch your eye when a corner of your lip goes up?]_

**[Yup] **

_[Quite sexy indeed]_

Aria's eyes widen and she starts panicking. "Oh my god, I can't sit next to James Potter! I'm not ready for that stage yet!" 'Stage'? How can I forget? There are stages in fan-girling...

"We're not sitting near James Potter! You'd probably faint!" I said.

"Then where-" but she never finished because I dragged her. I pushed her forward and walked towards where Albus Potter was sitting.

"Hello Albus!" I smiled at Albus.

_[THERE'S A PLAN BEHIND THIS!] _

**[Gryffindors...] **

Albus looked up with a startled expression on his face. I also noticed some Gryffindors looking at me and Aria. Oh break a leg! That foolish house rivalry is over.

"Uh, hi?" Albus raised an eyebrow at me. OO, HE HAS A TALENT! HE CAN RAISE ONE EYEBROW! I was so jealous.

"What are you-" Louis started but I cut him off.

"Can we sit here? There's not much space at the Slytherin table." There was a lot of space.

"Actually, there-" I cut him off too. It's becoming a habit.

"Great, thanks!" I sit beside him and pull Aria down. She stumbled and sits beside me. I notice that awkward atmosphere around Aria.

"So what's up?" I grinned at them. Along with them was that other girl called Lucy Weasley. I was sitting beside her and that girl can doodle. I asked her once to doodle my name and she did it! I still have it pinned on my wall back at the dormitory.

Lucy was giving me weird looks.

Sometimes, she's creepy.

"What are you doing here?" Louis glared at me.

"I'm sitting with my...friend!" I patted Albus's shoulder. He gave me a bewildered look.

"F-friend?" Albus seemed terrified with that idea.

"Yes, we met yesterday! I thought we were friends..." I pretended to look hurt. Oh yeah, there's a reason I'm in Slytherin.

"Um, ok?" he mumbled. I smiled at him then looked at Louis who was red in the face.

"We need to talk." His eyes shifted from me to Albus who muttered something that sounded like 'Sneaky Slytherins'. I grinned.

I mastered the art of Irritating Louis Weasley. Lucy was sniggering a bit.

"He's going to get a huge lecture now. Then they'll be apart for a week and suddenly Louis realised he needs his wingman," Lucy said.

I grinned and looked at the two screaming boys. "A week, you say?" Lucy nodded.

"Oh yeah, why?" Lucy gave me a confused look.

"Oh nothing," I took a little bit of Albus's pancake. If they were apart for a week, that gave me enough time to befriend Albus Potter which will irritate Louis Weasley to no end.

_[Man, that still hurts...]_

**[I said I was sorry!]**

_[Don't worry! I was just doing that to make you guilty. Again.]_

**[Never mind, you're chance.] **

_[I need a cupcake] _

**[Lets make one!] **

_[No! Bertie, come back here! Last time you cooked something, you burnt the kitchen! BERTIE, COME BACK HERE!]_

__**AN: Ah, well. I can't wait for the next chapter! Which I will be writing. But now I feel lazy. My poor fingers are tired. Please review!**


	4. Albus: A new friendship Maybe

**Bertie: Bold**

_Albus: Italic_

Louis: Underlined 

_**Additional person: Bold Italic**_

* * *

Albus: Strange things still happen to normal people

**[Oo, I got a six! One...two...three...four...five and six! What does that say? 'You are currently giving Merlin a wedgie when suddenly you run into Rowena Ravenclaw and Salazar Slytherin doing the nasty. Do you: Break them apart in an civilized way or yell 'COOTIES!' very immaturely?'] **

_[Just in case you guys are wondering, we're playing Humbo Jumbo. You have different situations and if you choose the wrong choice you go back to start. Let's see what Bertie gets] _

**[I GOT THE RIGHT ANSWER! YES!] **

_[Um, Bertie. Read a little more] _

**['Wonderful. You got the right answer. OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T, YOU RETARD! YOU GOT THE WRONG ANSWER! WHY ARE YOU EVEN GIVING MERLIN A WEDGIE? HE'LL GO BATSHIT CRAZY ON YOU! Plus you made Rowena slap Salazar. Not good. Move back to start.' I HATE HUMBO JUMBO!] **

[Playing Humbo Jumbo, I see? Without me? I'm hurt, love]

_[Louis, you always win. It's annoying. Let me win once] _

**[That's so not true. I've won Humbo Jumbo sometime...maybe...in my earlier life...when dinosaurs lived and I was a cockroach...] **

[Why would you want to be a cockroach?] 

**[Because they survived while dinosaurs died. Pure epicness] **

_[Shall we continue our tragic, lovable, depressing and awesome life story?] _

**[Sounds tragic yet lovable but depressing and a little awesome. Let's do it] **

[Wait, what?]

**[So young...so innocent...so idiotic...]**

_[May I start you bumbling moronic lovebirds?] _

**[Do it like you mean it, Potter. And no, don't change that into a perverted statement] **

[That was a big word coming from you]

Who does Louis think he is? King of the world? Well, hate to break it to you, Louis, but you're not! YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT! I TOTALLY JUST BURNED YOU, MATE!

[You need help]

**[Lame burn]**

It was all that Bertrude-

_[OUCH! THAT HURT, WOMAN!]_

**[How many times have I told you to not call me Bertrude?]**

[Immature morons. OI! STOP THROWING BACON AT ME! NO, NOT THE CUPCAKE! AAAAARGH!]

_[Where were we? Oh yes...]_

-girl's fault. If she hadn't brought up her sneaky little Slytherin arse to the Epitome of Awesomeness (That would be me) then none of this shenanigans would have happened! And why did Louis go all apeshit on me? I can't have other friends?

Fine, you know what, Louis? I CAN HAVE OTHER FRIENDS! YEAH, WATCH ME!

Who am I kidding? I may be Harry Potter's son, but I'm known as the 'boring studious one' from all my siblings. James was the 'bad boy' and Lily was the 'sweet, innocent angel'.

Innocent angel, my arse.

So maybe I should be friends with that Bertrude girl. She has a rebellious streak and she's funny. Plus, she has red hair and can mix well with the family minus Louis. So it's decided, I will try to be friendly with that girl.

The next morning, I got up early so I can avoid Louis's annoying remarks about how I should apologise. Because it was the weekend, I didn't need to fit myself into those stuffy robes. I walk out for breakfast only to see Piper McLean, a Gryffindor in my year. She smiles radiantly at me and flips her blonde hair over her shoulder.

"Uh, hi Piper..." I awkwardly looked around.

She giggles. "Albus, isn't it?" I nod in reply.

"You're friends with Louis Weasley, right?" Once again, I nod. "Well, you see. I've actually been wanting to ask him out for sometime, so could you put in a good word from me?" she tilts her head sideways, lets out another giggle and twirls her hair.

I blush crimson and nod. Wonderful, she wants Louis. I'm probably going to end up lonely with three cats called Mr. Puffy, Sir-Puff-a-lot and Sparkles.

**[Creative]**

[We should name our cat that]

**[Who said we're ever going to have a cat? I hate cats...]**

_[Lovers' spat]_

She smiles and walk away while I busy eye her arse.

What can I say? Puberty and hormones.

I sit near Lucy and pile my plate with sausages, baked beans and toast. Lucy eyes my breakfast with disgust and looks away. She's not very sociable in the morning.

"So, how's it going with Louis?" she asks.

Oh, but she's always sociable for a little gossip.

"Why don't you ask him?" I mutter. Louis entered the hall and looked around. He caught my eye and raised an eyebrow. The Eyebrow Raise. Oh no, here it comes. Whenever he raises an eyebrow, it means _You're-in-a-shit-tons-of-trouble-because-I-told-your-parents-about-your-friendship-with-a-Slytherin-SUCKER!_

An eyebrow raise can mean a lot.

He sits beside Lucy and stays quiet the entire time until somebody decided to sit next to me.

**[It's me!]**

[Oh dear, you ruined the surprise!]

**[Louis, love. Sarcasm is only cute when I do it]**

"Hello Albus! Really beautiful day, isn't it? My owl, Humpy-Grumpy Plumpy, just bit Maria Goyle. Indeed it's a beautiful day. What's happened for you lately? It should be exciting!" The Bertrude chick said. I smiled and nodded.

"Yes, actually it is. The snow and the grey clouds really adds some colour. Recently. Piper McLean flirted with me while asking if Louis is available." I reply. My dry wit is far too charming.

"Oo, sarcasm! I thought you were no fun at first, but now I see a hint of fun in you. Piper McLean, you say? That vlut?"

"It's slut." Lucy corrected her.

"Oh, I know, but vlut in my dictionary means a virgin that pretends to be a slut. Sometimes, I like to give vluts a smack across their heads." she explained.

"I'd like to give you a smack across the head..." Louis muttered while he stabbed his sausage. Violence really isn't the answer.

"Oh Louis, darling! I hardly saw you there! You seem quite gloomy lately. Anything troubling you?" Bertrude Chick blinked her eyes innocently. Lucy rolled her eyes, but I knew she was amused. She grinned and got up.

"I'm going to go and sit at the Ravenclaw table with Rosie. Catch you lot later! Bye Bertrude!" Lucy waved.

"It's Bertie. Those who call me Bertrude will find their heads attached on a portrait." Bertie (Now, the threat still disturbs me) smiled. I chuckled and pushed my plate away.

"What do you have now, Bertie?" I asked her politely.

"Potions, you?" she asked.

"Same."

"Say, want to be my potion partner?" she asked. A small smirk came on her face and I saw her look at the furious face of Louis for a second. I look at Louis and thought. He wasn't going to talk to me and will probably be annoying, so what the heck?

"Sure." I replied. She grinned at me. "Well, let's go!" she grabbed my hand.

This was going to be a long day.

**[Ha, that was a nice day.]**

[It was bloody infuriating for me...]

_[That kind of was her aim]_

[You abandoned me!]

_[You're annoying. I left...]_

[Meh. Hakuna Matata]

**[YOU WENT THROUGH MY MOVIE COLLECTIONS!]**

[Uh...hehe...]

_[May I continue?]_

[Of course, you may! Just distract her!]

Finally, it was lunch time. So far, I only had two lessons with Bertie and the rest with Louis and Lucy. The silence was far too much for me. Lucy was busy doodling in her sketch pad and Louis was being stubborn. So, what was my solution? I decided to spend time with Bertie and sometimes her friend Aria will come along. She was annoying and let's not forget about that giant mole!

This time, though, I sit at the Slytherin table and look around. The view was definitely different and strange. Bertie continued babbling to me.

"-and you're awfully quiet. I should get you out of your shell. Really! And you could be quite good looking too, you know. I think I should do something about you, don't you think so, Aria?" Bertie babbled. Do something about me? Pssht, I'm perfect! I just don't talk to people that much because, you know...their people...

"Oh yeah, definitely..." Aria mumbled. I noticed she had this strange infatuation with James too.

[Soon to be passed on to Bertie]

**[It's not an infatuation! I can admire other men!]**

_[James, a man? Please...]_

**[And plus, doesn't it bother you that I have a fleeting attraction to James?]**

[No. I trust you]

**[Aw!]**

_[Ew!]_

**[Shut up and continue the story. I'm going for a snog.]**

_[What was it called? This muggle acronym? Oh yes! TMI!]_

Bertie grinned.

"Well, then it's settled! Everyday after lessons at the Room of Requirement!" Bertie smiled.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I became friends with Bertie.

_[Uh, you guys? I'm done...]_

_[Hello? Where are you?]_

**[*snog*] **

[*snog*]

_[OH MY GOD, MY EYES! AAAAAARGH! DEATH, MURDER! AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!_]

_**[DINNER IS**_** LAID!]**

**[*breaks off snog* OH GOODY!]**

[You need a girl, Albus. Really badly. Or maybe a boy. I'm sure Bertie has some gay friends]

___[No-I-WHAT? TO THE DINNER, NOW!]_

* * *

__**I quite liked this chapter. Reviews please!**


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